Kids

I hate kids.

They're loud, and annoying, and have way too much energy. They know nothing about the world but act as if they own it.

And yet, here I am. In a carriage, alone with my worst nightmare.

Siiiiighhh.

It's not like I had any choice, ok? I was running out of time.

Do you know how hard it is to find a traveller willing to accompany you in a place like Tonta? Impossible.

Everyone passing through already has places to go, and things to do.

And what am I going to do, take Ravana with me? Peh. That slimeball has always been suspicious of me. It wouldn't have worked.

So can you really blame me for pulling out all the stops when an easy mark lands on my doorstep?

That lizard brat, though. Oooooh, just thinking about it makes my blood boil. Do you know how humiliating it is to put yourself out there like that, only to be so cooly rejected?

It's not like I wanted to seduce him. It just seemed like the easiest way to get him to follow me. But it didn't work! He was completely unaffected!

My pride as a woman, obliterated in an instant.

What in the world.

But it managed to all work out in the end, right?

The train of thought of that lizard brat made absolutely no sense, but I was able to wrap him around my finger with equally nonsensical logic.

I won.

But...

"Oooh, oooh! Roxy!! Look at that rock, look! Can we take a break to look at that rock?"

I didn't sign up for this.

"No, lizard. We're not going to look at that rock."

"Awww, but please? Look, it's so big and flat... Imagine how much sun it could soak up..."

Incidentally, this is the fifth rock he's tried to make us detour to.

"No, lizard, we're not going to visit this rock, or any other rock. We're on our quest, right? Adventurers would never get any adventuring done if they got distracted by every rock they see."

Upon being reminded of the adventure, the lizard immediately perks up in excitement, and starts vibrating in his seat. A big grin stretches on his reptilian maw.

I wish I could share his enthusiasm.

The kid has been absolutely excited by even the most mundane of things. I get that he's been sheltered in his village all his life, but wow.

When he first saw the carriage we're riding in, his jaw practically dropped to the ground!

Like, hellooooo, this is just a standard magic-driven carriage you'd find anywhere.

I'm getting a headache.

Siiiiighhh.

"Halt!" a voice calls out.

The carriage stops, seemingly confused. The brat takes this as an opportunity to scramble out and see what was going on.

Fine. It's not like this journey could get any worse.

I was so wrong.

"The name's Timothy!"

The lizard is holding out his arms to me. In his cupped hands is a small red crab.

I've truly been forsaken, haven't I.

I'm sorry! I apologise to any god who might be watching! The Dragon himself!

I'm sorry for trying to seduce this little brat! I'm sorry for bringing him on this quest!

It's not like I'm doing this because I wanted to, I had no choice!

Of all the infernal things to punish me with.

A crawlaxian? Really?

We're not even anywhere near water!

"I'm a crawlaxian prince, of the 812th family of Nurr!"

"Hear that, Roxy? He's royalty! Aww, can we keep him?"

Of course he's royalty. Practically every crawlaxian is royalty. Or, so they claim.

In reality, they're nothing more than a prank species.

It's said that a hundred years ago, 12 grand mages spent 12 nights in a ritual to bestow ordinary crabs with intelligence. Oh sorry, did I say grand mages? I meant students. And the "ritual" was them having a drunken party at the end of their term.

Those pricks.

The result was these crawlaxians. While they were blessed with intelligence and the ability to speak, they're dumb as bricks. The students taught them about monarchies, and the crabs instantly decided that they wanted to be royalty too.

So now we're left with slightly-intelligent crabs with an obsession for royalty. That doesn't seem too bad, right?

Then add in the fact that they perpetually have the maturity of a small child, and the ability to rapidly reproduce.

What started as a prank has resulted in an outbreak of these annoying crab things. Normally you only really find them near the ocean, but sometimes you find them in the darndest places.

We're in an open field, for god's sake! There isn't a body of water anywhere nearby!

"I'm on a quest to see the world before my coronation!"

"That's so exciting! I guess I'm on something similar, eheh. Though, I don't know what a coro-whatsit is."

Somehow, I've been convinced to take the crab with us for the time being.

Oh, my aching head.

"The coronation is the most exciting time in a crawlaxian's life! It's the event that turns us from princes and princesses into kings and queens!"

Crawlaxians love coronations so much that after they become kings and queens, they turn themselves back into princes and princesses just so they can have another coronation.

What a stupid species. What a terrible joke.

The lizard is totally enthralled though. I suppose the silver lining is that he's not trying to talk to me anymore.

Oh for god's sake. Why are they singing?

I am at my goddamn limit.

What are these lyrics?!

"Oh, Timothy! This song is great! I'm having so much fun!"

"I'm glad you like it, Lint my boy! We have 78 verses to go!"

No.

No no no no no no no.

That's it.

We're done.

"Alright, we're here! Everybody out!"

The carriage stops with a lurch.